Amusing Facts You Know Only When You Watch Movies

You will only know this when you watch Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

 

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

 

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

 

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

How To Get Salary Increment

How a maid got her salary increment...

A maid wanted an increment & approached her Madam. 

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Monnie, why do you 
want an increment?"

Maid: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increment the
first is that I iron better than you."

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maid: "The master said so." 

Madam: "Oh!!"

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?"
Maid: "The master did."
Madam: "Oh!!!" 

Maid: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the master say so as well?"
Maid: "No madam, the gardener did."

The Maid gets the raise... 

This Maid really clever... hahaha...

Lawak.- Yang Mana Satu?

Yang Mana Satu?

"Seorang pelancong Australia nampak kebingungan ketika mencari sebuah restoran makanan barat di Jalan Pasir. Tak lama kemudian seorang budak kecil melintas didepannya.. dan tanpa fikir panjang dia cuba bertanya pada budak kecil itu dengan bahasa melayu yang kucar kacir.

"Maaf dik.. tumpang tanya.. Apa betul ini jalan Pasir?"

Budak kecil itu mengangguk sambil menjawab... "ha'ah"

Pelancong itu tidak faham perkataan 'ha'ah'.

Namun kerana budak kecil itu mengangguk. Dia yakin bahawa jawabannya adalah betul.

Masih dalam kebingungan. . melintaslah pula seorang remaja di depannya. Lalu sekali lagi dia bertanya..

"Maaf dik.. tumpang tanya... Apa betul nama jalan ini adalah jalan Pasir?"

Budak remaja itu mengangguk sambil menjawab, "Benar"

Nampaknya pelancong itu tidak juga memahami perkataan 'benar'.

Namun kerana budak remaja itu mengangguk.. dia yakin yang jawabannya adalah betul.

Masih dalam kebingungan, melintaslah pula orang dewasa.. lalu pelancong itu segera bertanya

"Maaf encik.. saya tumpang tanya... Apa betul nama jalan ini Jalan Pasir?"

Orang dewasa itu mengangguk sambil menjawab, "Betul."

Akhirnya pelancong itu merasa puas.. tapi masih kehairanan.. lalu Untuk menghapus rasa keraguannya. . dia bertanya lagi..

"Saya keliru.. Tadi saya bertanya kepada budak kecil, tapi jawabannya 'ha'ah'.. lalu saya bertanya kepada seorang remaja muda dan jawabannya 'benar'. akhirnya saya bertanya kepada encik dan encik menjawab 'betul', tapi semuanya mengangguk. Sebenarnya mana yang betul?"

"Oh, itu maksudnya sama aja.. Kalau yang menjawab 'ha'ah' bererti latar belakang pendidikannya sekolah rendah aje... Kalau yang menjawab 'benar', orang itu latar belakang pendidikannya pasti sekolah menengah.. dan kalau yang menjawab 'betul' itu pastinya orang itu ada sarjana," jawab orang dewasa itu...

"Jadi.. Anda tadi menjawab 'betul', bererti snda seorang sarjana ya?" tanya Pelancong lagi..

Orang dewasa ini terus mengangguk sambil menjawab, "ha'ah"

Very Funny Lawyer & Witness Q & A

Below are the transcript Q & A in USA's court which are so funny. 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral. 

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? 
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? 
A: We both do. 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time? 

Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls? 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
A: I went to Europe, sir. 
Q: And you took your new wife? 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 

Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female? 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
(jawapan yg bagus utk soklan bodos.....he heh)

Engineer & Frog : The bengong story

Engineer & Frog : The bengong story.

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 

 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!" 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!" 

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!" 

 

 

FUNNY LABU, AH BENG & SARDAR (part 1)

LABU, AH BENG & SARDAR

1
Labu: I haven’t slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Why?
Labu: Got upper bed.
Friend: Why did'nt u Xchanged?
Labu: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchange in the lower bed..
 
2
Ah Beng tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody  will b there...
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there
 
3
Labu went to a BANK to open a Current A/c. After seeing
the Form he had gone to KUALA LUMPUR for filling up. You know why?
FORM said "FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".
 
4
Sardar invested 2 Million in a business and suffered huge loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . .
He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.
 
5
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10
sec a women gives birth to a kid. Sardar stands up- we
must find & stop her!.
 
6
Ah Beng - why are all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why are
others running?
 
7
Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin. again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. again twins & named Max & Climax. Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them  TIRED & RETIRED!
 
8
19 Ah Beng went for a film.On asking them why they came in big group of 19? They replied that the film was only for 18 and above!

 
9
A Sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
 
10
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Labu: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
 
11
Labu gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Labu: "I've been promoted as branch manager."
 
12
Ah Beng standing below a tube light with a open mouth......... . WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"

Honesty

HONESTY

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" 

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:  I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
  When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next! "

Kambing Berenang adalah makanan yang sihat

Makanan Yang Sihat

Salim sering mengeluh sakit kepala dan dada. Doktor menganjurkan agar dia berhenti merokok dan minum minuman keras. Selain itu harus berhenti makan daging kambing, daging kesukaan Salim.


Doktor : "Jangan lupa, tak boleh makan daging kambing. Anda hanya boleh makan sayur-sayuran dan daging haiwan yang boleh berenang dan terbang"

Setelah tiga hari berlalu sang Doktor menalifon Salim mengingatkan Salim agar makan hanya daging yang boleh berenang dan terbang sahaja. Tiga bulan kemudian Doktor mengunjungi kerumah Salim untuk melihat perkembangannya. Dia diberitahu oleh orang gajinya Salim ada di kolam renang.


Mendengar itu sang Doktor merasa tenang, menyangka Salim bukan hanya mengikuti arahannya, tetapi juga mahu berolahraga untuk meningkatkan kesihatan tubuhnya. Sang Doktor langsung bergegas menuju ke kolam renang dimana Salim berada. Namun apa yang dilihatnya di kolam renang?

Salim berada di dalam air melatih kambing berenang!

Isteri Idaman Kebanyakan Lelaki

Isteri Idaman

Kriteria isteri idaman adalah:

1. Seorang isteri yang cantik, pandai bersolek, memasak dan mengurus rumah adalah hal yang penting.

2. Seorang isteri yang periang, bertenaga, dapat membuat kita tertawa dan menghibur dikala duka juga penting.

3. Seorang isteri yang memahami, soleh, jujur, taat beribadah dan dapat dipercaya sangat penting.

4. Seorang isteri yang dapat memahami dan memuaskan anda secara lahir batin dan di tempat tidur juga sangatlah penting.

5. Tapi yang paling penting adalah ke empat-empat istri tersebut di atas tidak saling mengenal satu sama lain...

Awas! Jangan Makan Donut!!!!!!

Pembuat Karipap & Donat

Kisah di sebuah kem askar di mana seorang jeneral terhendap-hendap umpama nak skodeng anak dara mandi untuk menyiasat staff perempuannya yang dilaporkan menghasilkan karipap dengan cara yg agak menjijikkan. Setelah diintip, memang benar didapati staffnya itu membuat karipap dengan menggunakan set gigi palsunya sebagai acuan karipap. Lalu dgn tak semena-menanya disergah staff nya itu.

Jeneral : Jenab, dah lama saya terima laporan ttg awak buat karipap ni. memang sah awak seorang pengotor....

Jenab : tuan baru tengok saya buat karipap..tuan belum tengok suami saya buat donat.. ( sambil menunding di atas meja : donat yang berlubang di tengah )

....agak-agak macamana suami dia buat donat, ye...

moral : jangan makan donat yang berlubang besar...

Mandikan Kucing

Mandikan Kucing

 

 

 

Seorang budak lelaki berusia lingkungan 8thn membeli sekotak serbuk pembasuh daripada sebuah kedai runcit.

Pekedai: Banyak sangat ke pakaian nak dibasuh?
Budak: Saya nak mandikan kucing saye
Pekedai: Eh..tak boleh gunakan serbuk ni,ia terlalu kuat untuk kucing awak,silap-silap kucing awak mati nanti.

Budak itu terus berlalu selepas membayar harga serbuk basuh itu. Seminggu kemudian budak itu kembali ke kedai runcit tersebut.

Pekedai: Bagaimana kucing kamu?
Budak: Mati!
Pekedai: kan saye dah kata...!
Budak: Tapi saye tak fikir serbuk itu yg membunuhnya.
Pekedai: Habis siapa yg membunuhnya?
Budak: Mesin basuh itu..ia berpusing terlalu laju..!

 

 

Kucing Punya Pasal

Kucing Punya Pasal

 

Seekor kucing kepunyaan seorang pakar konselor menyusup masuk pasar jualan ikan...dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri..

Penjual ikan lalu pergi ke pejabat pakar konselor tadi dan bertanya:

"Kalau seekor kucing yang dilepas dan mencuri seekor ikan tenggiri dari kedai saya, apakah saya ada hak untuk menuntut ganti rugi dari pemiliknya ?"

"Tentu saja!" jawab pakar konselor...

Penjual Ikan bersorak kegembiraan "Bagus... kalau begitu encik harus membayar saya RM 10.00 untuk seekor ikan tenggiri yang dicuri oleh kucing encik dari kedai saya tadi pagi."

Pakar konselor tanpa sepatah kata pun terus membayar RM 10.00 kepada penjual ikan tersebut...

Keesokannya ketika penjual ikan mengambil surat dari peti surat rumahnya.. dia bertemu sekeping surat dari pakar konselor tersebut.... kandungannya: "RM 200.00 untuk perkhidmatan kaunseling"

JOkEs :)

Jokes. :)

Piss

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Fired

Boss: You are Fired!
Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motionless!

How Did You Know?

A Woman in a store buys milk and bread.
Man at counter: "Bet your'e single".
Woman: "Yes! You knew it because of what I bought?".
Man: "No, your'e just ugly". 

Knocking

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife knocking on the front door who would you let in first?
The dog. at least he would shut up once he is in.

 

 A Ring

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?" 

 Cows

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!".

20 Golden Rules for Any Office

20 golden rules for any office



1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.


2. Rule 2. - If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.


3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.


4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.


5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.


7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.


8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.


12. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


13. Following the rules will not get the job done.


14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


15. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous" .


16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.


17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.


18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.


19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.


20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong

Fail Sign

CUTE FAIL SIGN. HEHEHE

Tergeliat Lidah

Cerita yg bermula dengan huruf K 

Ketam ketip kuku kakinya. Kawan karib Ketam, Kodok, kata kepada Ketam,"Kenapa kau ketip kuku kaki kau, Ketam... kenapa?" 
Ketam kata, "Ku ketip kuku kakiku kerana kuku kakiku kelurut... kakakku kata, kalau kuku ku kelurut, kita kena ketiplah!" 
Kodok kentut kekeliruan. Kodok kata kekalutan,"Kadang-kadang kalau kukuku kelurut, ku ketip kenapa keluar kudis?" 
Ketam ketawa, Kah..kah..kah. .kah..kih. .kih..kih. .kih..Kuh. .kuh..kuh. .kuh!!Kodok. .Kodok..kenapa kadar kebodohan kau ketara keterlaluan?" 
Kodok kata kepada Ketam, "Ketam. Kenapa kau ketawakan ku?"Ketam kilas, "Kelakar." "Kelakar ke kurang-ajar?" kata Kodok. 
Kerana kemarahan Kodok keterlaluan, Kodok keperok kepala ketam kuat kadar kilat."kelekuk !", kepala Ketam kehancuran kerana kena
keperok Kodok. Ketam kata, "Kodok.. Kodok.. kenapa kau keperok kepalaku? Kan kesakitan."Kesian Ketam, kepala kena keperok. Kodok kejam!
 Cerita yg bermula dengan huruf C: 

Copot cahabat ciput Catu cenje, ciput cite-cite came copot cambil cari cengkerik. ciput cuke cite-cite came copot cebab copot cahabat ciput. 
Cemace ciput came copot cari cengkerik, ciput cakcikan catu cahye cerah. cahye cerah ciput cakcikan cangat cerah campai ciput came copot cilau.cahaye cerah cube culik copot. 
Ciput cangat cuak. ciput cepat-cepat camba copot cebelum cehaye cerah cempat culik copot. copot cangat cuak came. ciput came copot 
cepat-cepat cari chelter cambil cepat-cepat cembunyi. ciput came copot cembunyi cenyap-cenyap cupaye cahaye cerah cucah cari ciput 
came copot. ciput cakap came copot, "chuuu... chuuu... cenyap... cenyap copot... ". copot cambung cakap, "copot cudah cenyap... ciput 
cenyap camelah... ". celepas cejam, cahaye cerah cudah chow cebab cucah cari ciput cape copot. ciput came copot cangat cuke cebab 
cahaye cerah cudah chow. copot cenyum cambil cakap, "copot cayang ciput cebab ciput celamatkan copot... ". ciput cenyum cambil chow 
came copot... Caja cuka cuka.

p/s: aduhhhhh.. tergeliat lidah den... kah kah kah